My Normal

I’m sitting at my window typing this. I’m currently watching a cat pounce on what appears to be nothing… and I am smiling.

I should be working, trust me, I have plenty to do, but I can’t. I can’t stop thinking about what to do from here.

I grew up and wanted to change things, wanted to be someone. It feels like my life has been thrust in so many different directions from that once little girl who wanted to make a change in the world. Deep down she is still there, clawing to get out.

I remember when we moved to Chicago, I was devastated. I couldn’t imagine my life not in Cleveland, not around my family, not around the only people I’ve ever known my whole life. But that first month was one of the greatest in my then 22 years. I was exploring, growing, and becoming my own person.

When I took my first job right off Michigan Ave, I thought I had arrived. It only took a few months to realize this was not my big chance. But it was a marvelous stepping stone, something I was proud to achieve. Had it not been for that job, I believe I would have been lost in Chicago. If I would have never found that job, I would have never met the greatest group of people: my best friends, my book club, my Chicago heart.

When I left that job, I felt it was the right thing to do to help me get back on track and find that little girl dreamer and let her out. Two years in, I was determined to start my own business. So with the help of a partner, we drafted a business plan and went looking for investors. I thought this was it, my significant change! But… as I’m sure you can guess…  it didn’t happen. None the less, it was another lesson and a new view on life.

When my husband accepted his internship in upstate New York, I cried endlessly. I couldn't now dream of a life without Chicago. Something I was once scared of was now my normal.

I remember for Christmas the year before we moved, I was shopping with my dad. After exhausting him, he took a seat at the store while I was rung out. When my transaction was complete, he walked up to me and told me was so proud of me. He said looking at me he could tell I was from a big city; it made him proud that I took all my sadness, all my worries about living there and eventually made it my home. I couldn't dare be expected to leave this city.

A few weeks before I left, a wise coworker talked to be about the move. And to this day, almost a year later, his words are seared in my mind. He told me that I was going to this small town in upstate New York to continue on my path. To meet new people and change them while they change me. I was meant to go to this city and reasons why would make themselves known. His belief was inspiring.

We moved and here I sit, staring now at the cat chasing a squirrel up a tree. I should add, its quite impressive.

Since I've been here I've suffered from my first big injury. When it happened, I was skeptical as to how this was somehow meant to happen and to change me. It seemed that all the good I was meant to do, was only met with hardships and fear.

It hasn't all been negative (which is easy to focus on) I did meet one great person, a wise business woman who has become a forever friend. I've watched her grow in just a few short months, eager for the next stage in her life. We often have lunch, gabbing away while she offers me the wisest advice. She challenges me and makes me think. She’s been here through my injury and rehab and often tells me the same as my wise coworker: this was meant to be. I am meant to be stronger.

While it has been a painful lesson, I've overcome and proved to myself that I can. Once something I feared, again is now my normal.

We have less than 4 months before we leave this little town and again, I am sad.

As I mentally prepare to move back home to Cleveland, something I once dreamed of 5 years ago, I am scared. I am scared at thought that I will lose touch with my Chicago friends, that I have not made an impact here, that I will lose my new friend. But more than anything, I am scared of what I will do in Cleveland. Now more than ever, I want to achieve, I want to succeed and prove once again to myself, that I can.

This life can be crazy. We travel down unknown paths for unknown reasons. If you’re like me, you’re scared. You want to make a change, but can’t quite map out how to do so.  

I don’t know what I will do or how I will make my change in this world. But I know I will never stop trying. And I will never stop smiling. No matter the fear, physical pain, or mental anguish… we prevail. And if that’s not something to smile at… well, then I don’t know what is.

P.S. The cat did not catch the squirrel. But it gave it a good effort and that is after all, all that matters.