My Normal

I’m sitting at my window typing this. I’m currently watching a cat pounce on what appears to be nothing… and I am smiling.

I should be working, trust me, I have plenty to do, but I can’t. I can’t stop thinking about what to do from here.

I grew up and wanted to change things, wanted to be someone. It feels like my life has been thrust in so many different directions from that once little girl who wanted to make a change in the world. Deep down she is still there, clawing to get out.

I remember when we moved to Chicago, I was devastated. I couldn’t imagine my life not in Cleveland, not around my family, not around the only people I’ve ever known my whole life. But that first month was one of the greatest in my then 22 years. I was exploring, growing, and becoming my own person.

When I took my first job right off Michigan Ave, I thought I had arrived. It only took a few months to realize this was not my big chance. But it was a marvelous stepping stone, something I was proud to achieve. Had it not been for that job, I believe I would have been lost in Chicago. If I would have never found that job, I would have never met the greatest group of people: my best friends, my book club, my Chicago heart.

When I left that job, I felt it was the right thing to do to help me get back on track and find that little girl dreamer and let her out. Two years in, I was determined to start my own business. So with the help of a partner, we drafted a business plan and went looking for investors. I thought this was it, my significant change! But… as I’m sure you can guess…  it didn’t happen. None the less, it was another lesson and a new view on life.

When my husband accepted his internship in upstate New York, I cried endlessly. I couldn't now dream of a life without Chicago. Something I was once scared of was now my normal.

I remember for Christmas the year before we moved, I was shopping with my dad. After exhausting him, he took a seat at the store while I was rung out. When my transaction was complete, he walked up to me and told me was so proud of me. He said looking at me he could tell I was from a big city; it made him proud that I took all my sadness, all my worries about living there and eventually made it my home. I couldn't dare be expected to leave this city.

A few weeks before I left, a wise coworker talked to be about the move. And to this day, almost a year later, his words are seared in my mind. He told me that I was going to this small town in upstate New York to continue on my path. To meet new people and change them while they change me. I was meant to go to this city and reasons why would make themselves known. His belief was inspiring.

We moved and here I sit, staring now at the cat chasing a squirrel up a tree. I should add, its quite impressive.

Since I've been here I've suffered from my first big injury. When it happened, I was skeptical as to how this was somehow meant to happen and to change me. It seemed that all the good I was meant to do, was only met with hardships and fear.

It hasn't all been negative (which is easy to focus on) I did meet one great person, a wise business woman who has become a forever friend. I've watched her grow in just a few short months, eager for the next stage in her life. We often have lunch, gabbing away while she offers me the wisest advice. She challenges me and makes me think. She’s been here through my injury and rehab and often tells me the same as my wise coworker: this was meant to be. I am meant to be stronger.

While it has been a painful lesson, I've overcome and proved to myself that I can. Once something I feared, again is now my normal.

We have less than 4 months before we leave this little town and again, I am sad.

As I mentally prepare to move back home to Cleveland, something I once dreamed of 5 years ago, I am scared. I am scared at thought that I will lose touch with my Chicago friends, that I have not made an impact here, that I will lose my new friend. But more than anything, I am scared of what I will do in Cleveland. Now more than ever, I want to achieve, I want to succeed and prove once again to myself, that I can.

This life can be crazy. We travel down unknown paths for unknown reasons. If you’re like me, you’re scared. You want to make a change, but can’t quite map out how to do so.  

I don’t know what I will do or how I will make my change in this world. But I know I will never stop trying. And I will never stop smiling. No matter the fear, physical pain, or mental anguish… we prevail. And if that’s not something to smile at… well, then I don’t know what is.

P.S. The cat did not catch the squirrel. But it gave it a good effort and that is after all, all that matters. 

But there's a light on in Chicago....

This past weekend my dear friend, Lauren, came to visit me in Chicago. Our plans were pretty simple: go the Fall Out Boy concert and who cares about the rest.

So we embarked on our first concert together in over ten years. This concert meant more to me than I can ever put into words. It was us, going back to our old ways, albeit a bit older and wiser.
You should know a few things about Lauren: she's the one who taught me about music. She's the one who taught me to be carefree. She taught me to always talk to the band, get to the front, and crowd-surf. And her mom taught me to never get on the tour bus, thanks Lor. These were the essentials of my teenage existence. And she was always the one being crushed right next to me at the front of the stage.

It wasn't until we got to this cracked-out venue that I remembered those things. Its like I stored all those memories away, abandoned them and left them for dead. It was probably a mix between the stale beer smell, the busted building, and all the teenagers dying to get to the front, that those memories came flooding back. I was once one of these girls. A girl just learning who she was, inspired the music.

Lauren and I first met Fall Out Boy first when they were an opening act for Allister, which by the way, where are they now?! It was at good ole Peabody's in Cleveland, on the small stage. Excited for the main show we eagerly stood in front ready to bear through whatever kind of music they were going to play. When they came out, truth be told, we didn't think much; just another opening act. But when they started playing, we were immediately captured. Looking back on the moment now, it was a defining moment of my life. A moment when new music takes hold of you and never lets you go. When you realize everything you knew about 'popular' bands is a lie and you're confronted with finding this hidden gem that no one else knows about. Thats what Fall Out Boy was to us. A band made of 4 guys just trying to make it with a hell of a live show and music so pure that you couldn't help but listen.

After that show, we waited for Lauren's mom to get us... literally the last people at Peabody's. Well us and the band. Our first interaction with them went a little something like this:
Lauren to Patrick: You spat on me
Patrick to Lauren: Yeah, I saw that.

And there you have it, our friendship formed.

As the months grew to years, we continued to follow their shows in the Cleveland area. Eating dinner with them, dropping off care packages from Lor, shopping in Coventry, and of course having my dad threaten Pete. Their shows were amazing, the times we shared among my favorite. 

But time moves on and so does talent. I'm sure you know the ending to this story: FOB got big (and rightfully so) and Lauren and I got older. We graduated, both went off to college, I got married, she moved, I moved and here we are today.

During last week's Chicago show, I couldn't help but imagine us, as we were when we were 14. My how we've changed. But through it all, we had two constants, 1) each other 2) Fall Out Boy (and the grand scheme of music). I wish I could tell you I crowd surfed and Lauren knocked over Pete's mic. But we didn't. We just basked in the music. We left those tasks up to the girls finding themselves in the music to do just that. We already know who we are.

We waited outside to hopefully rekindle a friendship. Based not on popularity, not on a famous band, but on those memories we once shared 10 years ago. That pure music that intoxicated us from the onset.

I can however tell you we got to take a picture with Patrick and he said he remembered us. It was a genuine, or so we like to believe, remembrance. Maybe he's sitting somewhere right now remembering those times too.

Since the show, I can't stop these memories from flooding in and it makes me genuinely happy. So, even though my friend is gone, the show is over and I'm back to my adult life, I can smile that we got to experience all those things together once. And I can only hope the girls from that show will grow up to do that same.

....and I know I should be home.

(don't kill me Lauren) 

And so life goes on.

With a heavy heart and somehow, a mind full of ambition… I am leaving the city of Chicago. As I sit looking around my office, I’m excited to leave. I’m excited to be someplace new.

New….what a glorious word.

But I can tell you in my four years I've learned and done a lot in this great city. I've met the greatest group of friends I will most likely ever know in my life. I have earned my first real big girl job. I've quit my first job. I got married while living here. I lived with a man for the first time ever here. I've witnessed both my parents riding a train for the first time ever here. I've met Josh Duhamel here…. I've watched major block buster movies get filmed here. I walked down Michigan Ave next to Anderson Cooper. The Sears Tower is right outside my door, every day. I've been free here.

But alas, life goes on. Now I will have to suck it up and be strong and put those pretty little memories in a box and plaster my life in Chicago all over my new walls. I will move on. I will make new experiences. But I have this nagging question: Will life ever be this good?

I am looking forward to the new. The new place, the new people, the new memories. But I will never ever forget these memories. Including the one today, where I’m sitting in the dark contemplating a nap, typing this out.

More than anything, I am looking forward to meeting the new me. The new projects I will try to take on, the new nagging I will take part in, simply the new.

Speaking to the Masses

A legitimate question... how do you keep picking yourself up time and time again? Is is possible that after so many downs on the roller coaster, the ride comes to an end?

Obviously I'm still down (to be fair what did you expect, its only been a week since I last wrote you). I lack any and all motivation or energy for anything. I feel my blood boiling at the slightest sign of inconvenience and I'm mean, really mean. 

I created a bucket-list some months back and one thing listed stands out: Say everything I'm thinking for a day. Whether it mean, inappropriate, sassy.. whatever I think, say. 

I'm not sure whether its my depression or if I really don't care about things as much, but I've started to do this more and more. Like when I sneezed into my hands and some girl at a bar called me disgusting, I made sure to defend myself... only for her to immediately back down and say she was kidding. Or when some one stole my parking spot, I made sure to call him out. Nothing happened in either case, but it honestly felt good to call those people out. 

I started a book a while back. Everything that I personally think is to cause for the lack of common sense and common courtesy.  I stopped writing when I was almost done. I never organized and I never pursued. But that's it. I've had enough. 

And so it begins, the tale of book writing to the masses...

Funny how that works.

I’ve seriously just stopped doing real work at work. More importantly, I’ve missed you dear blog!

I feel like this has been a weird week for everyone. We lost a family member last week and since then its set a wave of unusual activity in my life.

When we were in Cleveland last week, Ryan’s uncle passed away. He suffered with muscular dystrophy and had been recently hospitalized. As we were driving to have lunch with the family, we got a call that he was about to pass and to come immediately to the hospital. That was the last time we saw him. As terrible as it is when a someone passes, it was a situation we felt better about. Uncle Mike isn’t suffering, this was what he wanted. Funny that the same day we lost a family member, my sister had interesting news….

As I have yet to share this blog with my family, I feel pretty safe in sharing my secret with you. I’m going to be an aunt. I technically already am one, but it’s different when it’s your own family. For the record, my older sister is in her 30s, she’s a doctor, living with her boyfriend of 5 years. She has the means to have this child but it didn’t stop her gut reaction of being scared. Scared of what? Telling my parents.

Its funny that this successful 30-something year old woman was scared to tell her parents. And as I thought about it,  I’d be scared too. I may be married, but I don’t have the means to support a baby. We both had the mentality of being 18 and pregnant. My parents scare us that much… and I love them for that. For whatever reason, it translates to having a tremendous amount of respect for them and valuing their opinions. Either way, now that the shock wore away, my sister is happy. Looking forward to this stage of her life. It’s too early to tell people, particularly my parents, but that time will come. And I have no doubts I will share it with you :)

So, in one day, we lost one person to potentially gain another. Funny how life works.

It’s been an emotional week for me. One filled with sadness, fear, happiness, excitement, somber, and dread. Maybe you’ve had this: when everything goes wrong in your world. When you voice the woes of ‘why me’? When it’s possible that everything in your life goes wrong. I’ve found these moments often in my screwed up life. And it’s during those times that I can never remember the times that follow: when everything goes right. When you get your way. When you smile just because you’re breathing. So here I have a moment when my emotions are mimicking real life. I struggle to remember that when the bottom falls out, you reach a new top. You will find your footing, stronger than before. With the loss of one life, comes the breath of new.

Should I?

Happy Tuesday. One day down and closer to Friday!

This weekend I'll be headed to the lovely city of Cleveland. You might think Cleveland is shitty or a laughing stock, but to me its home. To me, it means my family and the places so vivid in my memories growing up. I can honestly say I never pictured leaving Cleveland. And its so funny now, I can't really see myself moving back. Maybe it means something or maybe its just that this life has so much uncertainty, there's no need to envision what your future might hold. We've been in Chicago 3 years now; I love it here. Its so vastly different than Cleveland, in both good ways and bad.

I have come to greatly appreciate the opportunity to fully experience Chicago. It took almost 3 years to get that feeling. I finally feel like I belong. Its sad to miss home less and less, but I can't help but feel its normal. Since Ryan and I are both from Cleveland going back always turns into a chore of fitting in time to see everyone. You think that we would get more people to see us, but its actually rare. Maybe its why I'm so bitter?

I mention all of this because there is a solid chance we'll be leaving Chicago next year. Who knows if we'll find our way back to Cleveland or if we'll end up in a new place all together. And for the first time ever, it doesn't bother me. I could find myself 12 hours from home and people would still only come out once or twice a year. I'm not saying people aren't busy or it isnt expensive to travel, these are just the cold hard facts. I wish I could put words together on how frustrating it is to live in an amazing place and have your mother only come once to see you. Or to have your sister not show up at all. Friends that always make plans to come, but never make it. So I've found myself wondering why would I move back to be with these people? So I can be conveniently close for them to spend time with me?

A long time ago when I was writing, I wrote a chapter on this. I must say, I'm a little worried posting it now. Everyone is so emotional, so defensive, so full of excuses. But aren't I creating an excuse if I don't post what I'm really thinking? I mean, isn't it common when you move away to lose touch with people and to find out who is truly there for you?

So after long deliberation, I've decided that chapter is going up. For better or worse, I'll stick by my words. I can't possibly be typing things people don't already know....

Intro

Bursting your bubble, you’re not alone!

This is to those who just don’t get it. The ones who wait right outside the elevator door, never expecting someone else might be getting off. The people who only look one way when turning left. The ones who talk on their phones ever so loudly in public places. Those who blow their noses in restaurants. Those who sneeze without covering their mouth. Yup, those people.

This may come as a shock… but you live in a world currently occupied by  6,910,540,498 other people. Imagine that. People of all kinds of races, religions, backgrounds, beliefs, styles, dialects different than you. For avid TV watchers such as myself, you often hear in sitcoms, “my baby didn’t come with a manual.” But… over the years, baby books came out. Books offering advice for your baby, books on caring for your child, books on dealing with children with disabilities. Sure, its not a manual for your specific baby, only you can write that, but books to let you know, you’re not alone, other parents have the same problem. So what about a book on the civility of people as a whole? Reminding people of what they so desperately appear to have lost? A reminder that hey, you’re not alone in this world!

Perhaps offering some platform for those who haven’t lost the respect for humanity to step up and slap the shit out those that have. Welcome to An Idiots Guide: How to Act like a Normal and Decent Human, may you learn something useful.